Hope

I would love to not be sad. Or to not have to be sad. But it is human to be sad. My soul is crushed and my heart is in dismay. How much longer will I be forced into the fray?

Life is thought to be a bunch of small things cluttered together to make one big thing. In my opinion, that is what it is. I do not believe in a story of sort. You can make up one as you go. Today I have been obliterated. Dismantled. Annihilated.

In the light of things to come, I am feeling unwell. There is much pressure on me. Yet still I have to persist and perservere and find some strength within to continue to push myself. They have me on the ropes.

There is this song from cyberpunk that says

And I hope this all works out
But you know how much you broke me apart
I'm done with you, I'm ignoring you
I don't wanna know

Sometimes it makes me feel like it would’ve been better if I never even smiled at all.

I think I have cried more this afternoon than I have in the past 5 years.

I do not understand why do I feel this bad. Perhaps I saw a piece of me in the place where it shouldn’t have been. There are so many cyberpunk songs I could relate to now.

You're worth it, it only hurts a bit
Set your heart on fire, just keep it burning
Keep it yearning, yеah, you know you're worthy

I think the part that hurts the most is I will miss what I never even had.