Downward trends
Exhaustion
Doing good is lowkey hard. Have to put effort in, have to try to genuinely achieve what you want. Doesn’t sound that bad if you don’t actually have to do it. Sometimes a part of me misses when all I did was be sad and sit it my room. A part of it was beautiful, nothing to do all day with such a good excuse, “I am not feeling well”, nowadays that shit doesn’t even work, feel good or not, have to get paid somehow, have to seem alive in the sense that I don’t get trampled over by people who don’t wish me well.
But doing good has its own perks. People want to help you do even better. Today I was sitting on a bench. Talking to people as I do. What happens next? Professor approaches and asks are we interested in a competition, I know I got asked this cause I possess a bit of a reputation, and I don’t say that in a bad sense, people are finally acknowledging I got the skills. That’s a reassuring feeling.
I just don’t feel like I want it as bad anymore. The goals are still there, I’m moving towards them, I just don’t feel like I want to anymore. Maybe I’m just a bit tired. Maybe it will pass. Maybe I need help. I don’t have all the answers. I am confused.
I was talking to a friend recently and they sent me something I wrote, been thinking about it a lot “I want to be someone you turn to for advice both for your soul and your computer. I cannot guarantee I will be able to fix either.”. Kinda how I feel about myself right now, this is like fixing a computer and a person at the same time. You don’t really know where the issue is, all you can do is poke and prod. Maybe it resolves itself.
We are a long way from over I feel like. It’s gonna be a while.