Rebranding
Rebranding yourself
I came upon this a few weeks back, I started getting this ever unnerving feeling. I just kinda feel at home when I’m given a problem to solve at my computer. Stumbled upon that recently. It feels really enjoyable to just… sit there and try to mash your head against a wall until something works. And it inevitably does. That’s what I love about it. You can always make it work.
But what does that have to do with who I am as a person? — These last couple of years I felt a bit lost. Both in time and space, I knew I was always progressing towards something but I wasn’t really sure what is my “calling” or a “purpose” . Those are very large terms, I’m well aware, and I am aware that people most often… trick themselves into fake happiness. A few articles I saw in the past made me think about that for example.
I’d say the most contributing factor to all of this happening is the sort of emotional vaccuum I’ve felt in the past few months. I’ve shared some special moments with some people, but at the end of every day I wondered who it is they spent the time with. Now I can finally say I came up with an answer, I can see past beyond what people see me as and who I actually see when I look in the mirror. It’s is quite a liberating feeling. Also the fact that I have split myself from all the people who I felt like had a big influence on who I was as a person, I think that really pushed me to develop my own sense of identity, not to say those people had a “bad” or a “good” influence on me, it was just that, external influence. Why I didn’t really mind at the moment, but to say that I felt like I knew who I was when I was with people, that would be lying. Now I feel like I can re-enter society, but I am not sure if they would take me back. Regardless.
In this emotional vaccuum I think I rediscovered the love I have always had for computers. It’s not something I didn’t know about myself, but it is something I never really “embraced” and that is the scary part. For a big majority of my life I was lying to myself not letting myself live life I always intended to. All this “personality” drama boiled down to me solving the hardest problem I have had the chance to encounter in my education so far and remembering all the horrible things people have said to me over the years, it all concluded to, I love doing this, and damn were those people wrong. And I just, sat there for a couple of hours at night, just staring at my computer, having fun, exploring it, reading a book about computers. I think this is what I’m made for.
There were also some, large revelations to me about myself, and why I don’t normally function with people. I figured I’m far too… “robotic” in a sense where, I can understand what emotions are and how they feel, I just cannot empathise with them, since they are rarely something I’ve personally felt, in that way, I feel like I am emotionally stumped. And yes, I will be commiting to therapy this year. Second way I am robotic is in the way in which I interact with people, you see I interact with people pretty much like a computer, you give me an input, I give you an output, it is as simple as that. People have had mixed interactions with me these past 2 years, predominantly because I have had an issue with the way in which I speak my mind, I have figured people who in my eyes behave poorly will do so regardless of my input in the situation, so I have decided to keep my words for myself, and that has improved my social standing in a way. It all came down to semantics really. Not what you say but how you say it. I’ve called many people stupid over the years, now I am just more polite about it.
All that time loneliness felt… sad, but now I feel like I gain fortitude in solitude, I can read, research, find things, it makes me feel even more like myself, not to say I don’t like spending time with people, there are people who make me feel at home but… loneliness made me into a visionary
I feel like I could talk more about this, and I will, when I solidify it all, right now I know what is in the picture, I just cannot point out all the specific elements. Religion, politics, all other encompassing things of what make up a personality. All will come in due time. But until then.
print("Goodbye world! \n")