Presentation

The first moment

It’s the first moment of anything that decides. Whether you win or lose. At least that’s how I felt for the most part, about anything, but what do I know, I was a loser for most of my existence, don’t think we should rely on my opinion for anything. But what does the “presentation” and the “first moment” refer to? I had an opportunity to present recently, something I had done as a part of a research project, I won’t go much into the details, I haven’t signed anything, I am just bored of it. So the whole idea of the presentation was to defend the paper I had written. Doesn’t sound that hard? Wrong. I was stricken with fear. 20 professors were in that room. I knew all of them, but none of them knew me. So why would I feel fear? I am afraid of being humiliated, I’m afraid of being a loser in front of everyone. I didn’t prepare, I admit. I had decided I will just got off the top of my dome for this one, I had to work on my skills. But as the conference went on… some thoughts came to my mind. What if this? What if that. No clue, no answers came to me. Soon it was my turn. After this session I present. Feeling my body get cold sweats, feeling the breeze from the window, hearing the chatter outside the room, my leg jackhammering. Everything is amplifying the feeling of me being a lost boy in a man’s world. The fear got to me, I started going over the slides, trying to think of something to say. Then… it was too late, there was no more time. My turn came. I started walking towards the chairman’s table for the remote for the projector. The moment I grab it I drop it due to my sweaty hands. Hold steady. Focus up. I’m at the edge of inaction and doing. I need to reach for it again, grab it and continue on. That’s exactly what I do. I press some buttons. It doesn’t work. Once again I. Am. Lost. The remote works. Let the chaos ensue, time to speak. This is where I live. In the chaos. The moment the first word leaves my mouth I zone out. I don’t remember a thing I said now. My mind was somewhere else, my mouth did it’s own thing, with every slide my remote went through my body felt a sense of relief, one step closer. Just a tiny. bit. more. It was a completely liminal experience, as if my being got split in 2, one was speaking and the other was feeling. The one that was speaking held full control of the conscious. The one that was feeling had the full experience of the body. Not really sure who got the better end of the stick with that. Shivers went through my spine at the end, with the final slide, the screen faded to black. I checked my phone and I was perfectly on time. It’s time for the questions, 3 hands got raised. Made sure to shoot them down one by one, fully focused, fully locked in, no longer did I feel like a lost boy, now that I have finished my piece my soul got filled with vigor. After 3 minutes of question after question. It was done. And the first moment has finally passed.

Wait what?