Peak
Pride
Here I am. It’s 01:02 as I write, feeling of softness is overtaking me as my brain gets flooded with the thoughts of all the people that are gone from my life. I miss them. This got triggered by a couple of text messages I exchanged with a friend today. He used to be my friend, well, my brother’s friend, but you get the point. We used to play league of legends a lot together. I remember the days. Every day. Then we just stopped. No reason for that. It was just like any other thing withering away, we just grew apart. But today he texted me and I responded, saying a couple of things that have happened in my life, he responded with, “we talked about you at the table the other way, everyone is so proud of you, you outgrew us”. For some reason that makes me feel miserable. There isn’t a single reason for me to feel bad about it. It’s just odd. We are just different, took different paths in life. Alas I still miss him. Thinking about things like this just makes me wanna go back in past and apologize to everyone. Sometimes I didn’t act as I should have. I didn’t appreciate all of our moments as I should have. I don’t even know when our last game was.
Maybe at times we didn’t act right. He always had an interesting look on his face. Even thought he didn’t always do the best things for me, he always tried to do the right thing. He was my friend. I miss him. We have known each other for about 24 years now. I don’t know for how many years we have been friends for. Less than that. I haven’t been the best friend. I am sorry.
There is always a tingling sensation that this is the best that life has ever been, yet I still find myself trying to be sad, just like now. There is no reason for me to feel like this. My heart has never been more full of love towards people and people have never loved me more. Alas, some people you can never satisfy somehow.
Hold yourself accountable always. People tend to remember moments like this. This is something special, the feeling of sorrow when you have “peaked” (I do not truly believe I have peaked, I have much more to accomplish, I am but 23.), it means something special. You take a look at the long and painful road you have travelled and just take it in. All the people that have passed through your life, that means something. All the things you’ve done, it all led to you being here, and being great. And if you don’t feel great… that’s okay too, your moments coming. I like to remember this theorem we often talk about at uni, Shannon’s theorem; it says something along the lines of, to capture the valuable information from a signal you must sample it at twice the rate it oscillates. So remember, if you feel stuck, or you haven’t done enough, just take a couple of more looks:) I believe in you.