Miss the days when I was a non-factor in anyone’s life. Now there’s this pressure on me to hold it all together. I just wanna explode. Expunge. Eradicate the semblance of self.

There’s this rage that just makes me want to lash out against myself and the world. But what is the point? I shall do nothing but hinder the world I have built. Unless the world I have built is the one I do not desire anyway, then that would make it okay in some books.

Trying to find the issue in my mental. Is it even an issue? No idea. Feeling as if nothing matters in this world but the present moment. It has me scheming and pondering and planning out my next move.

Why even plan. Could I have predicted my dad shitting himself at 20:39 on a wednesday? Or someone who I cherished dearly telling me they have abandoned every idea of themselves wanting to be with me despite not wanting to hurt me?

That’s my point. There is no point in planning almost. You just make the best move you can make at any point in time. Make the best moves and you never know where you might turn up.

Tonight feels like a night where I could write all night. In nights all the darkness comes out. Like all the shit that has been festering. All the things you don’t say out loud to the people you spend time with. You don’t tell them what annoyed you. You say it to yourself in nights like this.

There’s this weird relationship within me with myself. Proud of everything that I’ve become. For real. Cannot doubt that I’ve become an ok dude. But it’s quite tiring. It’s quite tiring being an ok dude. Feeling a bit like a dead body right now.

Makes you wonder at times, what if? What if what? Your brain cannot possibly predict an outcome for the things you have full stakes in, let alone for the things that rely on cooperation with different people. What if they ask what if? Shit gets messy real fast. What if they never end up in contact with you? Do you ever wonder about their say in this twisted relationship with you?

I wish I bit the bullet.

Past 3 weeks have been the weeks in which I have thought about suicide the most in the past 3 years. That’s the verdict that’s coming to me now. The thought of that makes me feel nothing. There’s nothing in me that would be willing to do it. But I feel rather violent I must say.

Mania has stopped. Resume normal protocol.

What is it with the main character(oftentimes yourself) always finding himself at some crossroads where one path leads to fuckall and the other is a comfortable life. I think I could be asking questions and just answering “I don’t know” all night. It would be a hella long night. Don’t think anyone wants to read that, not even me that is writing it.

I would be lying if I didn’t say I feel as if I am struggling.

The word “I” has been used 4 times in that paragraph. I hate me.

It happened again.

Learn to tell a story without being egocentric.

That is an odd problem inside my head.

But this is MY blog.

Anyways. This has been the closest that I have been to a depressed state in the past few years. Everything is coming crashing down and to be honest… things aren’t even that bad. There is this stupid ass job that I treat as a stipend that pays, there are people I care for that care for me, there is a big opportunity lined up, there is another opportunity lined up. But there is something within me that just wants none of that to be there. Making decisions is hard. Maybe that is what differentiates people. Decision-making. Writing and thinking about this has made me a bit sad. I thought about myself as a kid today.

I miss him.

I wrote to him a couple of times, don’t think he ever received my letters.

Being happy to me - happens in phases. Right now it’s not one of them. God. Can someone make a decision for me?

There are so many questions I’d ask.

I feel as if I want to combust.

it feels different when you write and know that someone is reading. Maybe you say something different.

Life is thought to be a bunch of small things cluttered together to make one big thing. In my opinion, that is what it is. I do not believe in a story of sort. You can make up one as you go. Today I have been obliterated. Dismantled. Annihilated.

In the light of things to come, I am feeling unwell. There is much pressure on me. Yet still I have to persist and perservere and find some strength within to continue to push myself. They have me on the ropes.

There is this song from cyberpunk that says

And I hope this all works out
But you know how much you broke me apart
I'm done with you, I'm ignoring you
I don't wanna know

Sometimes it makes me feel like it would’ve been better if I never even smiled at all.

I think I have cried more this afternoon than I have in the past 5 years.

I do not understand why do I feel this bad. Perhaps I saw a piece of me in the place where it shouldn’t have been. There are so many cyberpunk songs I could relate to now.

You're worth it, it only hurts a bit
Set your heart on fire, just keep it burning
Keep it yearning, yеah, you know you're worthy

I think the part that hurts the most is I will miss what I never even had.

Been walkin around the town for an hour or so, went everywhere there is to walk to. What is the point in sticking around in a town you could go around in an hour? I don’t know. Don’t ask me. What’s the place of sticking in a place you do not feel at home at?

That’s why I left most honestly. I coulda made my own way anywhere. Although I chose to leave and forge my own path here where I am currently. Because I feel a duty towards it. This city treated me well when I couldn’t treat myself well.

There is an old factory in the town. There are a lot of old factories everywhere. This one is a bit more somber since it’s in the middle of the place. Wherever you go you pass an old abandoned warehouse and old machinery.

It’s a scary thought to think you’d have to come back to that. Who likes going back to old stuff. You’d think someone would wanna see some new stuff. I wanna see some new stuff.

This isn’t even about the hills. How many times do you just not choose to go downhill? How many times do you just look at your mirror and think to yourself… this is just not something I wanna do. I believe it’s a choice. But that’s just me, a husk with no urges. All it takes is to make a choice. A choice which pushes you upwards. You still gotta go. It’s just the place is gonna be better than to just go down. Anyone can go down. Taking the privilege and elevating, now that’s something to strive for. Some people just cannot go up.

There might be a certain societal pressure to going in an upwards direction. Maybe we all wanna strive for good. But, damn, is it so much easier to go down.

I’ve made some decisions tonight. I do not wanna go down. I will do my best. I will not always succeed. I love you all.

What are headaches even about??? You could understand a migraine… bloodvessels expanding and shit. But how do you get a headache from stress. Been having a lot of those lately. Been into 2 jobs recently. Been sucking at both of them to be honest. I’ve been having a social life. I don’t really know how I feel about that. It’s kinda odd. Having a social life, sucking at your job. Just doesn’t rub me the right way. Its kinda odd. But at times I enjoy being odd, but it might be the time to switch it up a lil.

Just thought of starting this new company and calling it “Mad Scientist Systems”. Been working on something small with a friend. That’s gonna be awesome. That’s the nail in the coffin for the social life. For the time being… it’s good to isolate a bit. Sleep early. Enjoy tea. Not everything needs to be at a break neck pace with schedules and people and time overlaps… sometimes you just want to slow down. I want to slow down.

It gives you a headache. After a certain amount of time it just becomes a part of who you are. A stressball. Someone should squeeze me.

I’ve realized every single post I make is my life update. But that happens when you don’t write for months. I am about to release all of my ideas tonight.

But funnily enough. I feel as if I don’t have to do anything right now. The mind is free to wander. I may do some leetcode problem. Learn a new thing or two. For no reason at all. There is no reason to do these things. Are they even useful? That is something we can never know in advance. Is it better to know that not to? Yes. Knowledge can mean everything and nothing at any point. It is up to the individual to evaluate and see to it that their knowledge is best applied in every facet of life.

You don’t strictly need to know anything. Sometimes things just fall into place. But I’d feel a bit sad knowing, I could’ve known.

Not tonight tho. Tonight we will be going to practice. What for? I don’t know. Maybe for the worst. Who knows. I like making shit. I wanna make some more cool shit. I wanna die and people will say “He made cool shit”.

Man. I miss my idols. Have to step up.

Been doing this, that and then a bit more of this, how could I even explain or like, write up on everything that has happened. I feel so emotional all of the time, it doesn’t come to me as a craving to write anymore. It’s as if everything that is there to be said has been said, although I know it is not true, it sure does feel like it. There is more work to be done, this may turn into a more technical blog, but it pains me so much to just not do a little 5 year evaluation of everything that has been done, that would be a great honor to the kid:) for everything he has sacrificed. I love him for everything he has been and everything he hasn’t been..

so, to reiterate on some thing, first of all, uni’s done, so much for that, took a while.

![Some grades][def1]

Almost threw myself from a building in 2022, keep that in mind, if only he knew it was gonna get worse, from living in a dorm that didn’t fit me, to living in a roach infested complex, I wish I had a photo of the roaches, they were dark and the size of a baby’s fist.

Now, 3 years of living in this crib. Officially this august.

This is how it looks sometimes, I don’t hate it, but it bothers me at times.

What else is new little me, there is so much to tell you. We wrote 5-6 research papers! Got cited 4 times. Someone thought we wrote something cool and cited us, you and me and some other awesome people. Yea, about that.

We met sooo many cool people, can’t even begin to tell you, this person, that person, so many cool people. Like, can’t even begin to tell you how many people you encounter on your way to the top. They are so cool that the top doesn’t even feel lonely anymore, you brought them with you.

Even in the moments you felt like absolute shit you still did your best to improve and inspire people around you, this is why you’re appreciated, and not only you did it for others, you did it for yourself. That’s why I’m most thankful to you. I will always love you, and I will always miss you. I love writing letters to you. Maybe if we go back in time you could see what I think of you even though you thought you sucked, I wish I could comfort you and tell you it would be okay. You worried too much and were too concerned about being yourself to be yourself.

You were someone else for so long you forgot how to be yourself, don’t worry, I remedied that. Until soon. I wish you could see this. Goodbye.

This maybe a peak. But its only a local maximum. I got something big in the works. And I intend on getting it out there and creating an impact. Stay tuned.

void HelloWorld(){
  printf("Goodbye World! \n");
}

Been doing this, that and then a bit more of this, how could I even explain or like, write up on everything that has happened. I feel so emotional all of the time, it doesn’t come to me as a craving to write anymore. It’s as if everything that is there to be said has been said, although I know it is not true, it sure does feel like it. There is more work to be done, this may turn into a more technical blog, but it pains me so much to just not do a little 5 year evaluation of everything that has been done, that would be a great honor to the kid:) for everything he has sacrificed. I love him for everything he has been and everything he hasn’t been..

so, to reiterate on some thing, first of all, uni’s done, so much for that, took a while.

![Some grades][def1]

Almost threw myself from a building in 2022, keep that in mind, if only he knew it was gonna get worse, from living in a dorm that didn’t fit me, to living in a roach infested complex, I wish I had a photo of the roaches, they were dark and the size of a baby’s fist.

Now, 3 years of living in this crib. Officially this august.

This is how it looks sometimes, I don’t hate it, but it bothers me at times.

What else is new little me, there is so much to tell you. We wrote 5-6 research papers! Got cited 4 times. Someone thought we wrote something cool and cited us, you and me and some other awesome people. Yea, about that.

We met sooo many cool people, can’t even begin to tell you, this person, that person, so many cool people. Like, can’t even begin to tell you how many people you encounter on your way to the top. They are so cool that the top doesn’t even feel lonely anymore, you brought them with you.

Even in the moments you felt like absolute shit you still did your best to improve and inspire people around you, this is why you’re appreciated, and not only you did it for others, you did it for yourself. That’s why I’m most thankful to you. I will always love you, and I will always miss you. I love writing letters to you. Maybe if we go back in time you could see what I think of you even though you thought you sucked, I wish I could comfort you and tell you it would be okay. You worried too much and were too concerned about being yourself to be yourself.

You were someone else for so long you forgot how to be yourself, don’t worry, I remedied that. Until soon. I wish you could see this. Goodbye.

This maybe a peak. But its only a local maximum. I got something big in the works. And I intend on getting it out there and creating an impact. Stay tuned.

void HelloWorld(){
  printf("Goodbye World! \n");
}

Here I am. It’s 01:02 as I write, feeling of softness is overtaking me as my brain gets flooded with the thoughts of all the people that are gone from my life. I miss them. This got triggered by a couple of text messages I exchanged with a friend today. He used to be my friend, well, my brother’s friend, but you get the point. We used to play league of legends a lot together. I remember the days. Every day. Then we just stopped. No reason for that. It was just like any other thing withering away, we just grew apart. But today he texted me and I responded, saying a couple of things that have happened in my life, he responded with, “we talked about you at the table the other way, everyone is so proud of you, you outgrew us”. For some reason that makes me feel miserable. There isn’t a single reason for me to feel bad about it. It’s just odd. We are just different, took different paths in life. Alas I still miss him. Thinking about things like this just makes me wanna go back in past and apologize to everyone. Sometimes I didn’t act as I should have. I didn’t appreciate all of our moments as I should have. I don’t even know when our last game was.

Maybe at times we didn’t act right. He always had an interesting look on his face. Even thought he didn’t always do the best things for me, he always tried to do the right thing. He was my friend. I miss him. We have known each other for about 24 years now. I don’t know for how many years we have been friends for. Less than that. I haven’t been the best friend. I am sorry.

There is always a tingling sensation that this is the best that life has ever been, yet I still find myself trying to be sad, just like now. There is no reason for me to feel like this. My heart has never been more full of love towards people and people have never loved me more. Alas, some people you can never satisfy somehow.

Hold yourself accountable always. People tend to remember moments like this. This is something special, the feeling of sorrow when you have “peaked” (I do not truly believe I have peaked, I have much more to accomplish, I am but 23.), it means something special. You take a look at the long and painful road you have travelled and just take it in. All the people that have passed through your life, that means something. All the things you’ve done, it all led to you being here, and being great. And if you don’t feel great… that’s okay too, your moments coming. I like to remember this theorem we often talk about at uni, Shannon’s theorem; it says something along the lines of, to capture the valuable information from a signal you must sample it at twice the rate it oscillates. So remember, if you feel stuck, or you haven’t done enough, just take a couple of more looks:) I believe in you.